Graduations, retirements, weddings, funerals. These are some of the big moments in life that offer pause, triggering us to think deeply and share feelings about what people mean to us. And in one of those cases, the recipient never actually hears the message.
Why do we wait for these momentous occasions to express how much we care?
When I recently left my job, something magical happened. I started receiving phone calls, emails and cards from unexpected people letting me know how I had impacted them. I wasn’t retiring but transitioning in life and career. It felt deeply meaningful.
Within our office, we had worked hard to develop a culture I felt (and feel) proud of, one in which recognition and appreciation is part of the day-to-day. This is something we worked at relentlessly, and throughout my tenure, I felt that I was valued. What I experienced upon departing was deeper than regular feedback, and it involved people beyond my coworkers. The sentiments shared were less about the specific job that I did and more about my personality and my impact.
I have been so grateful, and deeply touched, that such a range of people felt compelled to share with me. I was also struck that it took me leaving a position to learn some of the things I heard. It felt like a retirement, or (more morbidly) a funeral.
Or maybe this was on me - was I hearing things in a different way because time and circumstance had altered my perspective?
Regardless of why, the experience made me wonder:
What affirmations do we feel for others that we leave unsaid?
What keeps us from saying them?
What would we say if it felt like time was running out?
What if we told people more readily, more frequently what they mean to us?
Would it mean the same as it would if we waited for a big occasion?
A more recent experience helped further crystalized this for me:
A couple months after leaving my position, I was having a conversation with someone close to me who thoughtfully said, “They must really miss you, you are so efficient and got so many things done.” It was said with love and meant as a compliment, but it didn’t land quite right.
Did my colleagues miss my productivity? Maybe.
Was it that I was efficient and good at getting work done? Possibly.
But the way I was made to feel was much deeper than that - more personal, more material. I felt that they missed ME - how I impacted the team, how I lead, how I made people feel.
These experiences have me thinking about the importance of expressing such feelings with some timeliness and specificity. Too often we wait for big occasions or milestones to articulate why we value another person, but the truth is, our words have the power to make a difference every day.
As a supervisor, I have spent years giving thought to how best to recognize others. Acknowledging someone, seeing them and validating their contribution, isn’t a one- size-fits-all approach. It is deeply personal and mixed with individual preference.
What I am realizing is that the most significant type of recognition acknowledges something more specific than a job well done. It gets to the squishy, harder to define stuff. When a job is acknowledged with a genuine expression of appreciation for the person behind the work, something special that they contributed of themselves that made a difference, that breaks through.
Getting to the essence of what to acknowledge can be hard. We have to spend time thinking about the “what”, the “why” and then figure out how to say it.
And to be this personal requires some vulnerability. Sometimes it can feel awkward and a little out of place, but those potentially stumbling deliveries are authentic and can help build deeper connections. The effort is worth it.
Feeling like you matter matters.
So, here’s a challenge…think about that person, those people you care about. Do they know? Do they know why? Don’t wait for a retirement, a funeral, or other life milestone to tell them how you feel.
Instead, ask yourself a few meaningful questions:
When you think about this person, what’s one word that captures their essence?
What’s your favorite memories of them? Why?
What do they bring to your world that no one else does?
Then share your thoughts.
You may never know exactly how it made them feel, but as a recent recipient of such sentiments, I can share that it feels empowering. It’s given me a glimpse into how others see me and helped me muster the courage to step more fully into myself.
I had this post in the works and then got a totally unsolicited postcard in the mailbox from a friend who took the time to do this very thing. So serendipitous, so amazing. It made my week.