Full-filled

This essay was intended for last week as a reflection on the week prior. But the nature of the week (I write about it below), and lack of cell service postponed my sharing until now. I've never dedicated a piece before, but it feels fitting to dedicate this one to the people who make my life so full. Thank you 💛

Sunrise over a little lake in the Sawtooth National Forest

It’s been a packed week. Friends visiting, another friend unexpectedly staying for a few days after a mountain bike crash, lots going on at work, kids’ activities, packing up and leaving for a work/camping/backpacking trip.

Ooof!

The days have been full. The kind of full when you finally crawl into bed and you realize that it’s the first time you’ve rested, mind or body, in hours.

If you were to view this scene from above, as an outside observer, it may appear stressful, overwhelming. And for a brief minute, I contemplated leaning into this emotional expectation.

But then I paused, I didn’t actually feel stress, overwhelm or frustration. No part of it felt like too much. The fact was, I felt the exact opposite of stress. I felt calm, grateful, at peace, like I was sheltered in the eye of a storm.

Why, I wondered, did I feel so calm? There was so much going on.

I talked to my husband about it, and we wandered through a bunch of ideas landing on the notion that we all have activities, places, and people in our lives that are rejuvenating. The combination of these things differ for each of us, but finding those people, places and activities can make the chaos feel manageable, even peaceful at times.

I imagined a parallel scenario, one where where I lacked connection with the people involved, was engaged in work that didn't feel meaningful, and was packing for a trip I didn't want to take. I felt exhausted just thinking about such a situation.

It's easy to lean into feelings you feel you are supposed to have. Busy = exhausted, tired, worn out, frustrated. But there are all sorts of busy. And the kind when you are surrounded by people you love, activities you enjoy, and places that nourish your soul don't feel so busy. They feel full. (Thank you to my friend Katie for giving me this language!) They feel fulfilling.

I realize there is always a limit. Yes, this week left me operating on too little sleep. Yes, I crawled into bed a bit exhausted each evening, but I also finished this week with deeper friendships, new connections, and a general satisfaction for life.