“In It” Part 9 - Too Many Variables
A new installment to my “In It” series where I explore the realtime emotions, confusion, wins and head-scratchers of going through a career & life transition.
What is it about math that offers me periodic moments of clarity? (See a previous post about reciprocals.) Maybe it’s the act of using pencil and paper to figure out an answer, or perhaps it’s the gratification of determining a discreet solution. Whatever it is, I’m grateful for it, and this week, math gave me a little clue as I attempt to navigate a life that continues to feel ambiguous.
I was helping my son learn how to simplify equations - that orderly process of combining like terms and moving them around to make the equation as neat as possible. Going through this with him, I had a (small) epiphany. In my current state, my equation is not simplified. I have too many variables that I am trying to solve for all at once.
Where to live
What to do with my career (lots of thoughts there)
What my husband’s career looks like
The upcoming US election
The social wellbeing of my kids
The future of my kids’ education
Next steps for our nonprofit
All of it feels interconnected, muddled and a bit messy - like there are bits and pieces of each variable on either side of my equal sign.
None of it is neat and tidy, and I am having a hard time making sense of it all. But thinking about it in terms of an equation feels actionable. I can put pencil to paper and simplify. While everything is interconnected, there there are differences, small nuances that can be combined or moved around to help make sense of what I am looking at. Then, solve for one variable at a time.
Step 1: Simplify
There is a great exercise, maybe you’ve completed it, called the Wheel of Life, where you give various elements of life a score. 1 is poor, 10 is lovely. You can label these elements however you’d like but they are categories like:
Career
Health
Money
Friends/Family
Where you live
Personal Growth
Fun/Recreation
It is here where I can combine terms. I find it challenging because certain things fall into multiple categories (the beauty of interconnectedness), but it can be done with some disciplined figuring.
The effort that goes into this exercise is specific, focused and intentional. It is also deeply personal, encouraging us to think hard about our subjective feelings around such objective categories. The result yielded an equation with more concrete, clearly combined variables and a visual showing areas of satisfaction (less work required) and lower-ranked areas (more work required). I could now see where attention was most needed, and while I can’t solve for all of these areas at once, it was now manageable.
The next step involves choice: which one to start with?
Step 2: Prioritization
Choosing just one thing to focus on at a time, is major challenge for me. My top Gallup Strength is “Learner,” and I love exploring lots of things all at once. My nightstand/audiobook library is a great example. I am currently reading a memoir, a book about AI and the future of education, a book about beavers and one about the history of wildfires in the West. Knowing that I can’t tackle all of the things on my Wheel of Life at the same time makes me want abandon the worksheet, gather up all my books and escape to the mountains - a true avoidance tactic!
I have a history of feeling this way. “What would you rather” questions make me squirm, and if I am asked to name my favorite game, movie, book, color, or food, I cringe. Do I really have to pick just one?! Once at a work meeting, I was once asked to bring my favorite hat (one). I brought two and proceeded to explain the situation in which I would prefer one over the other. I sit comfortably in the presence of “and” instead of “or” and when I can exist among my top 5 favorites instead of the top one.
But at some point, prioritization is crucial. We may be able to do/enjoy/read lots of things over a period of time, but we only do one thing at a time. We must be decisive to move forward. Indecision can lead to stagnation. Think about how you decide to spend a morning (workout, sleep or meditate), choosing the best answer on a multiple choice test or deciding where to take your next trip. In each of these we have to decide something or we do nothing (which is also a choice if we want it to be).
To choose one thing over another, get clear about a single favorite, or answer “what would you rather” allows us to lean into personal values, honor commitments or operate based on a gut feelings or intuition. No matter how random our choices may seem, we each likely have a method around how we prioritize and make decisions. It’s worth identifying what that is.
In order to continue progressing what’s next for me and my family, it’s time to get clear on my priorities and start solving for those variables. This sort of life-math helps work through the “it depends” and “what if” barriers to choosing one thing to focus on first. This process involves journaling, having conversations with my husband & friends, getting uncomfortable and trying to identify what matters most. I’m even trying to make decisions and sit with them for a bit to see how they feel.
I know that life is not a math problem to be solved in a single sitting. What I am certain of is that this simple metaphor is one, among many, that helps visualize the messy parts of life more clearly. Metaphors serve as useful brain tools, offering clues to navigate life’s waypoints.
My son asked the other day what the meaning of life is. It took me a minute to realize that he was dead serious. Big question! We talked through it on a run with our dog, and I shared some thoughts. We are all given an opportunity to contribute something unique to this world. Each of us exists with our own, never-to-be-replicated DNA in a discreet place and time. That feels special, empowering. If I can come close to living what feels like a truly authentic life aligned with my values and skills and manifest my unique contribution, that will feel meaningful.
What this disciplined thought process has made clear, is that some of my variables are in pretty good shape. They either don’t need solving or not right now. Among those that need attention, I am challenging my “all at once” tendencies to prioritize my kids and allow that to lead to what’s next.