I find metaphors so helpful for navigating life. Thinking about something abstract in terms of something concrete helps me make sense of complex feelings and ideas, get out of my own head, and explain myself to others.
Because I find them effective, I often pull out a metaphor for my kids (or friends) to consider when they are working through interpersonal or emotional challenges.
This one came to me while trying to diffuse a heated argument between my kids the other day.
When they get triggered, my boys are quite skilled at assuming the worst of the other. Before even giving the other a chance to react or behave differently, they make an assumption that the interaction won’t go well and they give up. They both end up feeling frustrated, angry, defeated and unheard.
They are at a standstill.
In this particular argument, they weren’t too keen on my suggestions to…
pause breath take a break ask questions get curious.
So I conjured a box.
“When you make an assumption about how your brother is going to respond, it’s like you are putting him in a box and closing the lid, leaving little room for him to behave differently.
Instead…
What if you tried keeping the lid of the box open?
Don’t assume so absolutely.
Just because a situation has played out a certain way before doesn’t mean it has to go that way again.
If you leave the lid open, he might surprise you, climb out of the box and then you can keep playing.”
After they worked it out, I thought more about this.
I am definitely guilty of putting people in boxes and closing the lid, confining them to assumptions I have made.
I have avoided work situations because I assume that a co-worker will react a certain way, and I have failed to give my kids a chance to clear their dinner plates or brush their teeth before I get exasperated.
When I close the lid and don’t leave room for possibility, it usually backfires. I feel like I have let someone down, lost an opportunity to build trust.
While I am not sure if it’s a totally effective metaphor for my kids yet, it did get them to pause. It took them out of the personal emotion of their situation for a minute. And it has me thinking about where I may need to open the lid. Where am I making stifling assumptions?
I find that metaphors like this can be incredibly helpful in helping me reframe challenges and find new perspective. Metaphor allows us to step back from the intensity of our emotions and view situations in a new light and relate to others.
I’d love your thoughts on this specific metaphor. Does it work as a visual for staying curious and giving people a chance? What are some metaphors that work for you as you navigate complicated situations and emotions?
Yes to the value of metaphors! At least they have been helpful to me in analyzing how I see the world and process it. Not so sure that others value me speaking in metaphors but I do feel like they help visual and tell a story of a situation.
The example you write about here helped me for sure. I tend to be more 'yes' and 'no' oriented especially when I have a strong opinon. I have to remember to leave the lid open. Give things a chance. Be open to opposing points of view. But...the lid open is a lot of exposure. Can I keep a window open? The door and a window? :-)
Love this! I regularly feel like I’m saying “think the best of your sister not the worst” because they’ve put each other in a box. And if I’m honest, I do that to them all the time too with the little things I assume they won’t do/haven’t done.
For a while we have used the metaphor of “running down the hill” with our girls for then they are at the beginning of a stressed or angry spell. The “easier” way to go is of course down the hill, with gravity and momentum carrying you there. But then there’s a whole lot of work to get back to a state of calm and balanced as you climb back up the hill. But if you turn around near the top, it’s just a little work… of course, when big emotions hit, none of them want to think about metaphors. 😂 I think it applies nicely to relationships too though. The poking and sensitivity often seems to escalate to a point that it’s hard to come back from. If either of them does the little effort of going back up the hill, it can bring the other one along. Maybe I’ll try that on them next time. :)