Parenting in this Age

The power of the unexpected

It’s not the first time I’ve underestimated the gravity of an experience. There was the time my son and I drove into Salt Lake City in the dark - he was mesmerized by the lights of the big city that I took for granted. Having grown up in Los Angeles, I didn’t think twice about the glow in the distance, but from our now home, a medium-ish town in Utah, this sight of a city lit up in the wee hours of the morning was striking. And the time I didn’t consider the magic of the pancake maker conveyor at the middle-of-Wyoming Best Western where we had an unexpected two-day stop after our car broke down. I’ve found that these things are better because they were unexpected. They brought me joy in the moment and stand out as memories because of the fact that I didn’t anticipate them.

Such was the case earlier this month when we took our kids to a protest. We mentioned that we were going, and they had some questions and wondered what to expect. Then we made a couple of signs. They loved that part and had all sorts of ideas on what they should say and how to orient them for best visibility. Then we drove the handful of blocks to the courthouse.

My kids were amazed at the turnout, the energy, the support. For 90 minutes, I kept hearing, “This is so cool!” “Can we do this again?”

The two of them made a game of counting the number of waves, honks and thumbs up we got and tallying those against the middle fingers, thumbs down and soot-spewing trucks. They were especially amused by the folks who drove by, head fixed straight ahead, clearly not wanting to see us. They imagined them saying, “I don’t see you, I’m not looking, you aren’t there, how quickly can I pass.”

And their enthusiasm didn’t end when we got back to the car. They buzzed all the way home, holding their signs out the window and cheering for the lingering protesters as we passed by. Then, days later, unsolicited, my older son asked if we could go to another one. I probed a bit - I wanted to know why - what was it that had made him feel this way? His response, “I felt so confident. I would have been embarrassed to hold up a sign other places, but there was something about the supportive crowd and the energy that made me feel really good.”

Huh!? I didn’t expect this.

Maybe I should have - there were signs.

For better/worse, right/wrong, we have always talked to our kids about everything, and we try not to shy away from the tough stuff but lean into it. Our thought is that we want them to know that we respect them, that we’ll entertain questions, wade in the awkward, and support them through confusion. It’s not a given that they’ll always come to us, but we want to make it as easy as possible.

As a result of this philosophy, we talk about all the issues. And right now, there are no shortage of topics. Our kids listen to us talking about public lands, the economy, home buying, the job market, immigration, the future of astrobiology. These are all issues that impact the reality of our personal and work lives and things that matter to their future. They hear us talking about it, recognize our concern, and they have questions.

They don’t know how to feel about being an American right now. They feel confused. I get it because I feel that way too. I remind them of what I tell myself: our current rollercoaster does not define us. And we still live in a country where we have a right to participate in our government. We can write letters, make phone calls, draw signs and hold them up peacefully at protests.

So, signs in hand, we showed up in a way that we felt proud of. The sign reading, “It’s so bad, even the introverts are here,” gave me a bit of a chuckle as I stood there, my first protest ever, grasping my son’s fingers with one hand and clutching my sign in the other.

This is new territory both personally and as a parent. I think it is for most of us. As a mom, I want to show up in ways that give my kids the opportunity to grow, stand up for what they believe in and build their identity. While I don’t always know what those experiences will be, paying attention to the ones that resonate feels like a good place to start. Their reaction to the protest surprised me. Because of that, it’s become a great data point, giving me insight into what matters to them and how I can plan for the future.