Tryouts

Thoughts on teams and our desire to belong - Part 1

My son was like a boomerang as he attempted each route in his climbing tryout.

Climb up the wall

Fall off the wall

land on the mat

pop back up

repeat.

Over and over and over.

He had three “problems” (climbing lingo for a line of holds up a short wall that will take the climber from the floor to the top) to solve in his first-ever team tryout.

As a parent, I spend a lot of time talking with my boys about having a growth mindset. With ghosts of my perfectionism looming, whenever I catch glimpses of them trying to be perfect or being too focused on 100%, I go into high-alert mode. Alarm bells ring as I try to remind them that perfection, being the best, comparison and never making mistakes are not our targets. Life is about effort, attitude, problem solving, enjoyment.

Like so many things, I feel like my words only plant seeds for what they need to live and ultimately realize on their own. Yet I continue to plant more seeds, hopeful that they will sprout and grow stronger when it matters.

Elliot was incredibly nervous for his tryout, and hours before they started, he said that he didn’t want to go and started running through the “what ifs.”

• What if I don’t top any of the problems?

• What if I don’t make the team?

• What if I get scared of falling?

Like I always do, I said, “let’s not worry about what hasn’t happened yet. Why spend time dwelling on our fears when the very opposite could also happen?”

• What if you have fun?

• What if you try your best?

• What if you show them what a positive attitude you can have?

Why is it so hard for us to give attention to possible positive outcomes? This line of thinking feels more helpful in fostering a growth mindset.

There are times when we offer suggestions - parent to child, friend to friend - that we forget to internalize. In asking the positive “what ifs” I think about my own life and my current situation. In a way, I am enduring my own “tryout,” attempting to determine if I have what it takes to be a writer. Where do I go next and how do I get there? And in wondering this, I can also spend time in negativity.

• What if I can’t do it?

• What if no one reads my writing?

• What if I can’t express what I want to say?

Hanging out with these questions makes me feel pretty blah. I have something to learn from Elliot’s up, down, try again approach. Maybe it’s not about making it to some elusive “top” but rather about the process, my attitude, trying my best and having fun.

• What if I succeed?

• What if I become a better writer?

• What if people DO like what I have to say?

Hmmm. That feels much better.

After dropping off the wall on his final route, somersaulting backwards and throwing in a side roll for good measure, he popped up and launched himself at the wall for a final attempt. My husband and I were in a fit of giggles - he was trying so hard.

In the end, Elliot didn’t top any of his problems, but he had a positive attitude, he was definitely doing his best, and he was so proud to be there. He was having fun, and he wasn’t worried about perfection.

As he was wrapping up, he asked, “Mom, do you think I’ll get invited to join the team?” Not knowing how many kids had tried out and how selective they were going to be, I gave a noncommittal, completely unsatisfying answer. Thankfully, one of the coaches overheard the question and, with a smile, assured Elliot that there would be a place for him.

He beamed.

Today, the official email came through inviting him to join. For my kid who gets so much validation from feeling like he belongs (more about Elliot and belonging here), being part of a team is a big deal, something he is super proud of.

As for me, my tryout continues, and I can be more like my little boomerang. I have more routes to try, more flopping and getting up to do, and maybe someday, I too will feel like I belong to a craft, a community of writers and readers that feels like my team.

Thank you for being here.

Thank you for reading these words.

Thank you for encouraging me through my tryout.