I am a big fan of the Little Mr. and Little Miss books. Little Miss Helpful, Mr. Bump, Mr. Messy… The drawings, the writing style and reading them aloud all makes me happy.
Right now, I feel a little bit like Mr. Topsy Turvey. Up feels a little like down. Inside feels a little like outside.
Having recently left my job, I am trying to adjust to new ways of doing things (or not doing things) and tread water through this transition as I determine where I am headed. In this process, there are things that I am trying to come to grips with. One of them being my sleep patterns.
I have always been a morning person, to the point where I have let my early bird status become a defining characteristic - something I have worn as a badge of honor. People can count on me for a 5am walk/talk, expect me to be up for an early morning meeting and a look forward to (or dread) a flurry of productivity and efficiency first thing in the morning. But lately I find that I want to sleep in more than I used to. I am finding that I am actually creative at night and not so much in the morning. I am able to stay up later reading than I used to. And I am hitting snooze readily and repeatedly when my alarm buzzes at 5am.
Who is this person? I used to shut down after about 9pm, and if I had unfinished work that had to get done, I would turn in to grumpy dwarf and grumble about it. I would much rather get up in the morning to work, study or finish an assignment. Having been like this since high school, I had come to feel that my morningness was a positive trait, a sign of my productivity, go-getterness, and self-discipline.
But the truth is, I feel differently now.
And in feeling differently, I am having to work through all sorts of feelings that, when I write them down, seem quite ridiculous:
Is it ok for me to sleep in past 5:30am?
Why do I feel guilty about getting up later?
What does it say about me that I am sleeping in?
Does this mean that I am no longer productive, efficient and self-disciplined?
I am serious. These are the wild questions I ask myself. And to be honest, writing them, admitting them for the world to see actually feels strangely cathartic.
This morning-business has me thinking about how we define ourselves and why shifting patterns can feel so disorienting.
Perhaps these types of changes are opportunities for personal growth. Getting up super early served me well for a LONG time, but it’s not the only way, and it doesn’t have to be such a defining characteristic of who I am. When we can get curious about what defines us and allow ourselves to explore these ideas, we demonstrate our own personal dynamism. We aren’t static creatures.
How might we hold ourselves back from dynamic growth? Do we try on new patterns to see how they fit and how they feel or do we judge them before even giving them a shot? When it comes to my own change, I am realizing that I can be quite judgy - assuming that something won’t work before I give it a chance. Assuming that because I have defined myself a certain way, I need to make all my actions align.
But I am learning that I am deeper than that and that it’s ok to try out some new things, see how they fit and learn what purpose they might serve. The truth is (and I have to remind myself of this constantly), I can always revert back to old patterns if a new one doesn’t fit.
I believe, parent and teach the idea that conflicting ideas can be true simultaneously. But sometimes I am blind when applying this notion to myself. I can be rigid instead of being curious.
This time of transition has been so valuable in so many ways.
I am learning not to put myself in a box and close the lid.
I am learning to release my grip on some of the things I have let define me with hope that there is room for more.
I am learning to try new things on to see how they fit and feel - even if they are a different style.
I am learning that I might be productive some mornings and creative in the evening.
And I am learning that sometimes, up isn’t necessarily down, it’s just up from a new perspective.
It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Topsy Turvey.
In case you missed them, I have two other “In It” posts where I discuss feelings of navigating transition:
"In It"
Last week I had a friend suggest that readers may find value if I wrote about being “in it” as I navigate this period of transition in my life. Realizing how much I have gained from talking to others and reading about transitions, I thought I’d give it a try. Thanks for the inspiration, Jennifer!
"In It" Part 2
I write this from the murk. And I want to be clear that being “in it” feels messy and really inconsistent. As I write about my experiences moving through life, and my current transition in particular, I aim to present my thoughts in …
As I read your new post I had to take a minute and think before I hit my daily grind (that is literally both work and a coffee shop here in Seattle). I loved it. I totally had all of these floods of memories that are seemingly unimportant for some in the grand scheme of life, but my mind literally went to a place where I LOVED your morning emails and relished in every word. It was always one of my “fun fact” about you, and I think you know my other 😉. I can’t help but think about a book by one of my hero’s I work with now, in addition to you, Dolly Parton. Dram More. And I think that is exactly what you are doing. Dreaming more.