The Satisfaction of To-Do Lists
And getting credit for our invisible accomplishments
I am a to-do list maker. But even more than making the list, I derive great satisfaction from crossing things off the list. Several years ago, I noticed a colleague making little boxes next to the items she needed to complete in her notebook. Brilliant! I remember thinking, “She gets to check a box each time she completes a task!” I promptly adopted the habit for myself, joining tons of others who do the same.
A recent conversation drifted to this practice, and several of us commiserated over the fact that sometimes we add already completed items to our lists just to get the satisfaction of crossing that item off the list. A little pat on the back for a job well done - or at least completed.
This validation of what we accomplish in life has me thinking about the things that don’t make it to our to-do lists. What about things we refrain from doing because to have done them may have caused harm?
As a parent and partner, I have lots of these. I’ve worked, over the years, as so many of us have, on honoring the pause before reacting to a triggering situation. This pause - it could be one breath (or five), counting to ten, leaving the room, or running through the three gates1 (description at the end). With any of these tactics, my hope is that I will hold my tongue - avoiding a place my future-self will regret. Here are some examples:
My husband forgot to turn off the lights on the car, I noticed and did it myself. I could have said something about him forgetting, but to what end?
My son was frustrated with himself for breaking a glass. He was being a bit careless when he pulled his towel from the bathroom counter, and I could have told him to be more careful. I refrained. It would have made him feel so much worse, and frankly, I was glad he wasn’t hurt.
In an email exchange, the recipient asked for information that I had already sent. Instead of pointing it out, I simply sent it again. To have said something would have unnecessarily soured the tone of our interaction.
These are simple examples, probably similar to several such successes you’ve lived but not noticed. I’d be remiss if I didn’t note that, in some cases, speaking up and not exercising restraint is actually the most courageous thing to do. Of course, it depends on the situation.
When we are successful in honoring the pause, we may avert escalating a conflict, prevent an exchange that would later require an apology, or limit hurt feelings. We exercise the muscle that gave us this strength in the first place, giving us confidence and making us feel better about our choices. These accomplishments represent true moments of growing our self-awareness and emotional intelligence, and this kind of work fosters internal wisdom that shows up externally as compassion and patience.
But we rarely receive credit, either from ourselves or others, for these invisible achievements. It’s tough for others to acknowledge what they can’t see, and we tend to move quickly past our successes, choosing instead to oversample on failures.
There is an emotional cost to practicing restraint and trying to grow in this way, so taking a minute to honor these invisible accomplishments marks success and gives us the courage, confidence and motivation to keep at it.
As parents, close friends and partners, it’s likely that, if we pay close attention, we can recognize these moments in those close to us. Think of how powerful it would be if you noticed and let them know. You saw the invisible, felt their effort.
But first let’s start with ourselves. What if you were to pause right now and reflect on your day, your week, your month. Give it a try - even if just for 10 seconds. I’ll walk you though it…
10
Think about a moment when you exercised restraint in a way that benefited yourself and others
9
Breathe in
8
Keep thinking
7
Breathe out
6
Even the smallest things count
5
Breathe in
4
Hold that breath
3
Stay with me
2
Breathe out
1
Final thoughts
Well done! I bet you thought of something.
Or maybe you reflected on an instance where you had an opportunity to pause next time.
And if it was hard to think of anything (because sometimes our minds go blank and we can’t summon these things on command), you just successfully paused in the middle of reading this post. Take that as a win!
For whatever came up for you, I’m sending a virtual high-five, fist bump, hug, or perhaps an empty box in which you can mark your success.
People often notice when we complete things they can see or feel - turn in assignments, clean the house, finish the report, pay the bills, but it’s much harder to see what we are wrestling with in our hearts and minds. While, in these areas, we may strive to be our own voice of validation, sometimes it helps to know that others recognize the value of these invisible efforts too.
So here’s some recognition for you. Keep going!
The concept of the three gates comes from a Sufi saying attributed to Rumi. Before speaking, ask yourself three questions about the comment you are about to make:
Is it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?
If the comment doesn’t pass all three gates, don’t say it at all or say it in a way that will.