“In It” Part 4

Learning to play detective as my life transition continues

May 31, 2024

One of my favorite meditation practices is a form of self compassion that comes from Tara Brach called “RAIN,” an acronym for:

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Recognize
Allow
Investigate
Nurture

You can apply this approach to any feeling, emotion or situation by recognizing what you are experiencing, allowing it instead of pushing it away, investigating it by getting curious about what’s going on and then using self-compassion to nurture.

In addition to practicing this in my own life, it is an approach I often employ with my kids when they are feeling big things or wishing feelings away. I appreciate the flow and contemplation of the four steps.

But when I get to investigate, I tend to get a bit anxious. I love the concept of feeling like a detective of your own emotions. It’s exciting to learn why you might be experiencing something, but it can also feel scary and uncomfortable. Sometimes we uncover things about ourselves that we aren’t always proud of or didn’t go looking for - good stuff, but sometimes tough to deal with. Often it feels easier to skip this step and not dig too deep. But when I do push fear and inertia aside to get curious, I discover gems hidden below the surface and make real progress toward understanding myself.

Seeking clues in the scheduling case

One of the toughest, and most surprising, things for me to navigate since leaving my job has been scheduling. I find myself with more discretionary time than I am accustomed to yet struggle with how to use it. I’ll look at the week ahead, see a blank slate and think, “where do I want to block time for writing, reading etc. Where do I slot into my kids’ homeschool schedule this week?” I might pop a couple blocks of time on the calendar to patron the library or visit a coffee shop to write, but I find myself pressed to keep these appointments or feeling guilty if I do.

What is going on?

Why do I feel guilty, sometimes selfish, about carving out time to write or read?

Why do I find myself trying to build my schedule around what other people need instead of what I need?

Why has something that used to be so natural for me - managing a full calendar - become a perplexing conundrum?

I figured that investigating could help. If I understood more about why I am struggling, maybe I could reframe my approach and chart a course for the future.

Here’s what my detective work has uncovered:

Clue #1: Accountability

When I had a job, I had high levels of accountability. There were expectations placed on me as an employee, a supervisor, a leader and a worker. Others depended on me to complete tasks, follow-through and show up in a certain way. So, I scheduled meetings, was punctual and always followed through because being a person of my word is hugely important to me. If I said I was going to do something, it was on me to get it done.

But here’s what’s interesting: I am not showing up with this same level of respect and accountability for myself. I’ll pop a writing appointment block on my calendar and then move it to accommodate someone else’s schedule, figuring I can make it up another time during the week. (I rarely do.) I would never have done this to a former colleague without good reason. Because no one is waiting for me at the library, in my office, or at the coffee shop, I don’t feel like I am letting someone else down, but I am letting myself down. If I am a person of my word, then I get to be that for myself too.

Recognizing this feels like an important clue in how I can rethink scheduling my time now that the type of work I am doing is so different. Holding my appointments to myself would convey a level of seriousness and importance to my work and demonstrate the level of respect that I would afford another.

Clue #2: Money

My investigation then shifted to money and the reward for my effort. No matter how much I tell myself that it’s not all about financial gain, getting paid to do a job garners a level of urgency, importance and responsibility to a certain set of tasks. If someone values me enough to pay me, I am going to do the job well in order to feel that my payment is justified.

Right now, I am not getting paid to write, and yet someday I would love for my writing to yield financial benefit. Could the fact that I am not currently making money to write be diminishing the value I place on it? But if that’s the case, why am I doing it? There is something more.

At the outset of this mid-life-course-correct, my uncle gave me kudos saying, “I am proud of you, you are taking time to invest in yourself.” I have found this wisdom valuable and something to consider in light of this clue.

If I believe that this work is valuable, beyond monetary gain, then I can apply the same level of commitment I would to a paid gig. It just takes redefining how I view the monetary reward. Beginning any new project requires initial investment, and diminishing the early work will never get me to the next level. In the short term, I am paying myself with the time and commitment it takes to hone this craft and discover my potential.

Clue #3: Indulgence

I had to dig a bit deeper in order to find this next one, and it turned out to be more personal, a little more sensitive.

Taking several hours each week to visit a coffee shop or sit in a library study room feels indulgent. I enjoy this work, and I noticed that I feel selfish leaving my family to spend time doing something that I enjoy without them, especially when compounded by my first two clues - lack of accountability to others and no immediate financial gain.

I used to travel a lot for work, and one of my motivations for this shift was to spend more time at home. So once I transitioned, whether intentionally or not, I sent a clear message to my kids and myself that life was going to be different, that I was going to be home.

I have tried writing at home, but I don’t have good boundaries yet. It’s too easy to get distracted by an opportunity to be involved with my kids’ learning or by them coming into my office to show me their latest artwork. It used to be that I was in meetings and on calls all day, so I couldn’t welcome those interruptions. We all feel how my work is different now, and I am readily allowing, almost welcoming, these distractions. Because of this, I occasionally need to go elsewhere, and this feels like I am letting them down.

While I am very much enjoying more time at home, I am learning that being home doesn’t necessarily equate to being in my home, all day every day. I am discovering that I can be more present in my kids’ lives, share more of the responsibilities that my husband used to shoulder on his own AND take several hours per week away from home to invest in our future. Figuring out that this is not an either/or type situation has been a process. My husband has been encouraging me, reassuring me of this for weeks, but I’ve needed to come to it on my own. Guilt, self-doubt and worry are strong emotions.

This clue feels like a big one and one I may continue to struggle with. I plan to talk with my kids about it so they understand and can help me navigate. I want them onboard, aware of my goals and work process so that it makes leaving, even just for a few hours, have clear and meaningful purpose.

It’s funny how an emotional investigation can turn up things that may seem obvious to an outsider or even obvious to yourself in retrospect. It certainly feels that way as I capture the results now, but until this exercise, this scheduling struggle has eluded me. My sleuthing has been worth it.

Taking the time to understand why scheduling has felt so hard has revealed these three important clues that I can learn from and act on. It takes time and can feel painful to do this investigative, self-reflection but the gems we can unearth are worth digging for.

I continue the flow through the process of RAIN and come to nurture. And, readers, here is the point at which you enter. Thank you for being a receptive, nurturing community for me. Throughout this “In It” series, I am attempting a real time articulation of what my transition feels like in order to spark connection and share the muddle that we all endure, and I appreciate you joining me in this exploration of life.